you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
