If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
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