my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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