I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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