you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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