god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
