I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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