Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
