Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
pop tarts are not kleenex
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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