My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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