I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Randomize
