oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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