Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Randomize
