I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
