She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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