Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
