you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
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