life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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