Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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