So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
