I'm pants shitting drunk right now
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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