I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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