I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
