his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
