just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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