Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
