that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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