mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
