I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
