I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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