Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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