I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
