i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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