My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
