tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
