I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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