Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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