I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
