the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating