too bad you live with your parents still
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.