Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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