I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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