Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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