Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I just gift wrapped bread.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
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