Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
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Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
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