I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
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