I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
