alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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