so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
