I think my fart just growled at me.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
