wrigley field is MILF paradise
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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