One girl and one boy is just not enough.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
