On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
True but thats because hes a fetus.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
