i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Randomize
