just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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