Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Randomize
