i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
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