My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
