If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
