i can't believe i had my finger in that
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Randomize
