i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
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