She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
