What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
