I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
