Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
